I am so relieved, and destroyed. Its as though my identity, composed of relief and the remains of a life that could have, should have, would have been, are walking hand in hand attempting to join together and fuse through the confessions of my miss spent youth.
I was tortured daily by my father.
My earliest memories are those of my father and his daily destruction of my spirit, my body and soul. I was always in pain as a child, an adolescent and a teenager.
Forever crying, pleading, begging both he and my mother for him to stop hurting me. My cries went on and on. No one ever came to my rescue. Every day I was humiliated, beaten, bruised, molested, hurt and destroyed.
MOTHER, WHY DIDN’T YOU STOP HIM ?
I stopped being able to cry almost thirty years ago. I believe it was because I had cried so much and for so long that I became numb to it. As I look back upon that time in my life and reflect, I come to realize that my ability to cry stopped as I started taking the drug Elavil, when I was seventeen. I was so depressed by everything my father did to me that I was unable to even leave my bedroom. I refused to go to school. My mother took me to the Dr Tom McCauley who put me on Elavil. Dr.McCauley was an internist and he prescribed the drug to me and insisted that I take the largest possible dose. I weighed around 145 pounds at the time and was taking 750 milligrams of Elavil a day for over a year and a half. Elavil warped my brain. My father could beat on me all he wanted to, when I took Elavil. Dr.McCauley and my mother started to orchestrate the evening situations I had with my father. They told me to run away from him or divert him to wear him out. He never stopped doing horrible things to me, but now as my brain was tripped from the addition of another drug, it became a game.
Everthing started to become one big haze. I was in a complete daze until about a year ago. Things have only just started to become clear, now that I will be turning forty eight. Could the Elavil have warped by brain so much for so long? Why?
