Covert incest differs from overt incest in that the incestuous relationship between parent and child is not one of physical sexual abuse but rather one of emotional sexual abuse. Most childhood victims of covert incest are even unaware that they have been incested by a parent, usually by the opposite-sex parent, and many feel their abuse, when finally and fully recognized, is not as legitimate as the abuse suffered by childhood victims of overt incest. But the effects of unrecognized or undiagnosed covert incest are only too real and take a toll on the emotional well-being and intimate relationships of the adult survivor. Like victims of overt incest, victims of covert incest need to recognize what happened to them as children and feel their feelings about their parental relationships so that they too can begin the process of healing.What is covert incest? Covert incest happens when a parent, usually an opposite-sex parent, makes the child a surrogate partner or spouse, most often when bonds of sexuality and intimacy have been or are breaking down between the child’s parents themselves.The child, feeling loved and put into a privileged position by the opposite-sex parent, becomes a confidant and advisor, an object of intense affection, passion — and preoccupation by that parent. Appropriate boundaries between parent and child are blurred or obliterated and the child does not realize that he or she is living to meet the needs of the parent rather than his or her own. The parent develops a dependency on the child and the opposite-sex parent’s relationship with the child increasingly becomes more possessive, jealous, demanding — all the time chipping away at the child’s personal boundaries. Not unlike the victim of overt incest, the child increasingly feels manipulated, used and preoccupied with the parent’s needs, whereas the parent’s “love” begins to feel more intrusive than nourishing and more demanding than giving. The parent-child relationship becomes structured to meet the needs of the parent, so the child feels embarrassed to have needs of his or her own. Should the child try to have those needs met, he or she feels at risk of losing the parent.As the covertly incested children become adults they tend to discount their own needs in order to continue to fulfill their opposite-sex parent’s needs — at the price of their own intimacy and relationship needs. No matter the age of the adult, unless they can break through the denial, appropriate boundaries remain broken and the covert incest continues. The adult man continues to be “Mom’s Special Boy”, the adult female “Daddy’s Little Princess.” The adult child usually explains away this continuing incestuous attachment by admitting the opposite-sex parent can be overprotective and overbearing, but what a small price to pay for someone who has loved them so much all their lives and cared so deeply about their needs. Yet there is little that is loving or caring about a relationship in which a parent refuses to recognize a child’s right to autonomy or the right to separate from the parent. The parent’s excess love robs the child of the ability to feel truly nurtured and loved as an independent person.The same-sex parent is usually complicit in the incestuous relationship between the child and the opposite-sex parent. If a boy is being covertly incested by his mother, often the father steps out of the way so the incest can occur — as the sexual and emotional bond between his wife and himself stops functioning in a healthy way. The boy unconsciously feels abandoned by his father and his sense of his own manhood is undermined. Though truly believing both parents are looking out for his needs, underneath is a seething guilt and bitterness and even rage for both parents who have, if not been true partners with each other, been silent partners in instigating and continuing the seductive pattern of covert incest.
Symptoms
Unfortunately many victims of childhood covert incest never understand or admit their victimization. And most adult survivors of covert incest have already presented symptoms that have been damaging to their lives when they seek help, come to terms with the abuse and begin the process of recovery.A professional health care provider experienced in cases of emotional sexual abuse will be able to recognize specific symptoms of covert incest. They can include:
- Guilt about having legitimate needs or continually putting them behind those of the opposite-sex parent;
- Feelings that one is never enough or truly lovable — expectations to succeed in life that are unrealistic and have been set by the opposite-sex parent;
- Inability to directly express anger towards the opposite-sex parent whose demands seem overwhelming;
- A contempt for the same-sex parent who has been complicit in the covert incest;
- Difficulty in maintaining relationships, often seeking a “perfect” person for a partner, or an idealized partner that can never live up to one’s expectations — leaving that partner and finding another, thus continuing this impossible odyssey;
- Compulsions that can include workaholism or eating disorders or alcoholism;
- A direct link to sex addiction or sexual shutdown — an objectified child usually has inappropriate sexual energy and the adult survivor, often uncomfortable “in his own skin,” uses sexual addiction to self-medicate.
Diagnosis/Treatment
An experienced health care provider well-versed about incest issues can make a diagnosis based on the presentation of symptoms described above and by taking a personal history of the patient. The health care provider can serve as counselor to the patient and recommend other appropriate health care professionals who can work with the incest survivors. The health care provider can suggest group therapy and 12-step programs both for addictive behaviors and for covert incest abuse. Being part of a recovering group of members that have shared the same issues allows a non-judgmental forum for regaining clarity, honesty and self-worth.Treatment focuses on healing the wounds created by being your parent’s partner. The first essential step is to separate from the opposite-sex parent. That is not done overnight — the fact that adult survivors cling steadfastly to the idealized parent suggests the incredible power of the bond. To separate you must admit the overwhelming love and affection received was based on the parent’s neediness at the expense of your personal autonomy. You need to set boundaries with this parent — taking a clear position backed by support of others. If the opposite-sex parent is no longer alive, writing a letter to that parent expressing your anger and explaining you r new personal sense of boundaries may be helpful. Acknowledge your feelings of abandonment by the same-sex parent and, if appropriate, develop a new relationship with the same-sex parent independent of the opposite-sex parent.Seek as much counseling and support as you can. It is essential you deal with your specific addictions, which almost always go hand in hand with covert incest. In most cases some form of sexual addiction is present — used as an attempt at separation from the opposite-sex parent and to experience an autonomous self. It is a temporary relief from the inappropriate bonding, bringing with it the fantasy of freedom. The more an adult man is unable to disengage from a covert incestuous relationship with his mother, the greater will be his proclivity for an escalating sexual addiction problem. Emotional and sexual intimacy and an independent maturity and a sense of wholeness of self cannot be gained — until you let go of the covertly incestuous relationship and begin to heal from any attendant addiction
- Survivors of Incest Anonymous 301-282-3400
- Incest Survivors Anonymous 212-422-1632
- Sex Addicts Anonymous 612-871-1520
- Co-dependents of Sexual Addicts (COSA) P.O. Box 14537 Minneapolis, MN 55414
- National Association on Sex Addiction Problems 800-622-9494
- Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) 212-686-1100
- Al-Anon Family Group 800-245-4656
Tags: ANGELA BARTON, BEAU BARTON, COVERT INCEST, DOUGLAS BARTON, MY BROTHER BEAU NEEDS HELP, STUART BEAUREGARD BARTON, THE LEGEND OF DOUGLAS BARTON, THE SON OF A BITCH
