ELAVIL – DR. McCAULEY – DR. BUNKY BARTON

I am so relieved, and destroyed. Its as though my identity, composed of relief and the remains of a life that could have, should have, would have been, are walking hand in hand attempting to join together and fuse through the confessions of my miss spent youth.

I was tortured daily by my father.

My earliest memories are those of my father and his daily destruction of my spirit, my body and soul. I was always in pain as a child, an adolescent and a teenager.

Forever crying, pleading, begging both he and my mother for him to stop hurting me. My cries went on and on. No one ever came to my rescue. Every day I was humiliated, beaten, bruised, molested, hurt and destroyed.

MOTHER, WHY DIDN’T YOU STOP HIM ?

 

I stopped being able to cry almost thirty years ago. I believe it was because I had cried so much and for so long that I became numb to it. As I look back upon that time in my life and reflect, I come to realize that my ability to cry stopped as I started taking the drug Elavil, when I was seventeen. I was so depressed by everything my father did to me that I was unable to even leave my bedroom. I refused to go to school. My mother took me to the Dr Tom McCauley who put me on Elavil. Dr.McCauley was an internist and he prescribed the drug to me and insisted that I take the largest possible dose. I weighed around 145 pounds at the time and was taking 750 milligrams of Elavil a day for over a year and a half. Elavil warped my brain. My father could beat on me all he wanted to, when I took Elavil. Dr.McCauley and my mother started to orchestrate the evening situations I had with my father. They told me to run away from him or divert him to wear him out. He never stopped doing horrible things to me, but now as my brain was tripped from the addition of another drug, it became a game.

Everthing started to become one big haze. I was in a complete daze until about a year ago. Things have only just started to become clear, now that I will be turning forty eight. Could the Elavil have warped by brain so much for so long? Why?

THE OPPOSITE OF LOVE IS NOT HATE, IT’S INDIFFERENCE.

SO

IT

GOES.

Loyalty to a more powerful abuser — in spite of the danger that this loyalty puts the victim in — is common among victims of domestic abuse battered partners and child abuse (dependent children). In many instances the victims choose to remain loyal to their abuser, and choose not to leave him or her, even when they are offered a safe placement in foster homes or safe houses. This unhealthy type of mental phenomenon is also known as Trauma-Bonding or Bonding-to-the-Perpetrator. This syndrome was described by psychoanalysts of the object relations theoryschool (see Fairbairn) as the phenomenon of psychological identification with the more powerful abuser. A variant of Stockholm Syndrome includes cases of abusive parents and abusive siblings in which the victim, even after entering adulthood, still justifies the family abuse.

BROTHER BEAU, FIGURE IT OUT

 

 

Covert incest differs from overt incest in that the incestuous relationship between parent and child is not one of physical sexual abuse but rather one of emotional sexual abuse. Most childhood victims of covert incest are even unaware that they have been incested by a parent, usually by the opposite-sex parent, and many feel their abuse, when finally and fully recognized, is not as legitimate as the abuse suffered by childhood victims of overt incest. But the effects of unrecognized or undiagnosed covert incest are only too real and take a toll on the emotional well-being and intimate relationships of the adult survivor. Like victims of overt incest, victims of covert incest need to recognize what happened to them as children and feel their feelings about their parental relationships so that they too can begin the process of healing.What is covert incest? Covert incest happens when a parent, usually an opposite-sex parent, makes the child a surrogate partner or spouse, most often when bonds of sexuality and intimacy have been or are breaking down between the child’s parents themselves.The child, feeling loved and put into a privileged position by the opposite-sex parent, becomes a confidant and advisor, an object of intense affection, passion — and preoccupation by that parent. Appropriate boundaries between parent and child are blurred or obliterated and the child does not realize that he or she is living to meet the needs of the parent rather than his or her own. The parent develops a dependency on the child and the opposite-sex parent’s relationship with the child increasingly becomes more possessive, jealous, demanding — all the time chipping away at the child’s personal boundaries. Not unlike the victim of overt incest, the child increasingly feels manipulated, used and preoccupied with the parent’s needs, whereas the parent’s “love” begins to feel more intrusive than nourishing and more demanding than giving. The parent-child relationship becomes structured to meet the needs of the parent, so the child feels embarrassed to have needs of his or her own. Should the child try to have those needs met, he or she feels at risk of losing the parent.As the covertly incested children become adults they tend to discount their own needs in order to continue to fulfill their opposite-sex parent’s needs — at the price of their own intimacy and relationship needs. No matter the age of the adult, unless they can break through the denial, appropriate boundaries remain broken and the covert incest continues. The adult man continues to be “Mom’s Special Boy”, the adult female “Daddy’s Little Princess.” The adult child usually explains away this continuing incestuous attachment by admitting the opposite-sex parent can be overprotective and overbearing, but what a small price to pay for someone who has loved them so much all their lives and cared so deeply about their needs. Yet there is little that is loving or caring about a relationship in which a parent refuses to recognize a child’s right to autonomy or the right to separate from the parent. The parent’s excess love robs the child of the ability to feel truly nurtured and loved as an independent person.The same-sex parent is usually complicit in the incestuous relationship between the child and the opposite-sex parent. If a boy is being covertly incested by his mother, often the father steps out of the way so the incest can occur — as the sexual and emotional bond between his wife and himself stops functioning in a healthy way. The boy unconsciously feels abandoned by his father and his sense of his own manhood is undermined. Though truly believing both parents are looking out for his needs, underneath is a seething guilt and bitterness and even rage for both parents who have, if not been true partners with each other, been silent partners in instigating and continuing the seductive pattern of covert incest.

Symptoms

Unfortunately many victims of childhood covert incest never understand or admit their victimization. And most adult survivors of covert incest have already presented symptoms that have been damaging to their lives when they seek help, come to terms with the abuse and begin the process of recovery.A professional health care provider experienced in cases of emotional sexual abuse will be able to recognize specific symptoms of covert incest. They can include:

• Guilt about having legitimate needs or continually putting them behind those of the opposite-sex parent;
• Feelings that one is never enough or truly lovable — expectations to succeed in life that are unrealistic and have been set by the opposite-sex parent;
• Inability to directly express anger towards the opposite-sex parent whose demands seem overwhelming;
• A contempt for the same-sex parent who has been complicit in the covert incest;
• Difficulty in maintaining relationships, often seeking a “perfect” person for a partner, or an idealized partner that can never live up to one’s expectations — leaving that partner and finding another, thus continuing this impossible odyssey;
• Compulsions that can include workaholism or eating disorders or alcoholism;
• A direct link to sex addiction or sexual shutdown — an objectified child usually has inappropriate sexual energy and the adult survivor, often uncomfortable “in his own skin,” uses sexual addiction to self-medicate.

Diagnosis/Treatment

An experienced health care provider well-versed about incest issues can make a diagnosis based on the presentation of symptoms described above and by taking a personal history of the patient. The health care provider can serve as counselor to the patient and recommend other appropriate health care professionals who can work with the incest survivors. The health care provider can suggest group therapy and 12-step programs both for addictive behaviors and for covert incest abuse. Being part of a recovering group of members that have shared the same issues allows a non-judgmental forum for regaining clarity, honesty and self-worth.Treatment focuses on healing the wounds created by being your parent’s partner. The first essential step is to separate from the opposite-sex parent. That is not done overnight — the fact that adult survivors cling steadfastly to the idealized parent suggests the incredible power of the bond. To separate you must admit the overwhelming love and affection received was based on the parent’s neediness at the expense of your personal autonomy. You need to set boundaries with this parent — taking a clear position backed by support of others. If the opposite-sex parent is no longer alive, writing a letter to that parent expressing your anger and explaining you r new personal sense of boundaries may be helpful. Acknowledge your feelings of abandonment by the same-sex parent and, if appropriate, develop a new relationship with the same-sex parent independent of the opposite-sex parent.Seek as much counseling and support as you can. It is essential you deal with your specific addictions, which almost always go hand in hand with covert incest. In most cases some form of sexual addiction is present — used as an attempt at separation from the opposite-sex parent and to experience an autonomous self. It is a temporary relief from the inappropriate bonding, bringing with it the fantasy of freedom. The more an adult man is unable to disengage from a covert incestuous relationship with his mother, the greater will be his proclivity for an escalating sexual addiction problem. Emotional and sexual intimacy and an independent maturity and a sense of wholeness of self cannot be gained — until you let go of the covertly incestuous relationship and begin to heal from any attendant addiction

• Survivors of Incest Anonymous 301-282-3400
• Incest Survivors Anonymous 212-422-1632
• Sex Addicts Anonymous 612-871-1520
• Co-dependents of Sexual Addicts (COSA) P.O. Box 14537 Minneapolis, MN 55414
• National Association on Sex Addiction Problems 800-622-9494
• Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) 212-686-1100
• Al-Anon Family Group 800-245-4656

 

 

 

HEIDI FLEISS RULES

After sending Heidi at least seven text messages in the last 14 hours with no response, to if she is O.K. after having been arrested again, I finally called her landline in Pahrump.She answered (Thank God!). Her bird was squaking in the phone (she said it was a Red McCaw).She is fine.I think a jealous, jilted son of a bitch who can’t get it up, set her up.Thats my conjecture.As Lee Harvey Oswald was a patsy for_________________,Heidi Fleiss is a Patsy for__________________ ! 

TRAUMATIZED

“Having seen so many things it became a challenge how to memorize them all. Starting from the beginning I would work my way up to the present every day, a process which was slowly becoming longer and longer as the months slipped by, but the only way that I would be sure to remember everything I could, despite all of the hypnotic games bent on making me forget as much as possible. After a few years I felt as though I’d retained it all, and began to think about it less and less, it all took so long and was so greatly complex that it just wasn’t the kind of thing that you could explain to someone. And at the level of things to which everything had risen there was nothing left that didn’t at least seem important, which just left one endlessly pouring over details which would hardly seem significant unless you’d survived such things. Unless you knew what it was like to be “there”. In fact it was all so heavy that even my memories of having memories became important moments in and of themselves.

 

I remembered sitting alone in my condo, looking at a burning candle and listening to Alannis Morrisette.  Cold and hungry and never having felt so alone in my life, I thought about the previous year which had been entirely different, and wondered if I could ever sort out the precise meaning of it all.  Nature hates a vacuum, and that is especially true of a mind which has no distractions left, just time to think. It is the odd moment that leaves one without a thought. And that becomes especially true of persons who have spent any amount of time surviving by their wits. Once that line of traumatization is crossed there will never again seem to be anything as important as how one thinks. Differences among survivors could be categorized either by exclusiveness or inclusiveness of thought. That is, for some the important thing would be to avoid certain thoughts and memories at all costs. For others, survival meant knowing absolutely everything possible, and especially about oneself.

 

What happens is that mind control victims are traumatized so badly that they then have memories with which they are quite sure that they will be unable to live. The mind controllers know this, in fact they perfect it by simultaneously traumatizing the victim and reinforcing the myth that thoughts or memories can be deadly. To remember certain things, or to think in certain ways then becomes tantamount to suicide. And if you knew the sorts of ways in which they traumatize people, if you knew what sorts of personally devastating horrors could be placed into someone’s memories you would know why. Essentially this establishes a hidden control room in the mind of the victim which escapes any sort of inquiry and allows the victim to be, in ways subtle or overt, to become controlled by their worst fears. This is well known to the controllers.”

 

A belated Christmas wish for my mother Angela Barton-

Remember on Christmas I always used to buy dad a belt. (actually you bought him a belt with his money and we put on the card that it was from me) A belt for him to beat me with. ( as the years went by, the quality of the belts improved, until one of the last ones in 1979, was a brown alligator Gucci or Bally belt) You made it into a joke, remember? You made the fact that I was constantly being beaten by my father, your husband, into a joke. And we celebrated it every Christmas by buying him a bigger and better belt for him to do it with. You thought it was funny.

You always said, “Douglas you don’t want him beating me do you? If he hurts you, he will keep his hands off of me, you will be protecting me!”

If you are reading this now, I am sure you are doing it with Beau. In the little world which you have so meticulously created, you are both rolling your eyes in disbelief. Except you will then say something like, “We bought that alligator belt at Saks, and it was Dunhill!” No reference could you ever make to the heart of the matter, only the superficial. You seem to have skated by an entire lifetime by only paying attention to the superficial aspects of existence. In fact, you have managed to gloss over all the heinous, illegal and debilitating acts you have carried out in your crimes against humanity, by doing just that.

Well mother, I am here to tell you that you are in fact, not getting away with any of it.. 

I remember long ago when I was a child and my mother used to encourage my father to beat me on a daily basis. 

You remember it too, don’t you mom? Your other son, my brother “Beau” remembers a lot of the beatings I used to endure. Beau always used to say to me that he felt left out. Beau said he could never understand why only I received the beatings, he said that you wouldn’t allow our father to beat him, only me. Beau always used to tell me that he was jealous of all the beatings I received.

What kind of a sick, fucking evil, horrific person are you Angela Barton? 

I AM NOT EXAGGERATING.

I am understating the gravity of this situation.

And you carry on living your superficial existence with my brother, the two of you, like nothing is extraordinary. Both of you are sociopaths. This is no news-breaker.

You manage to only concern yourselves with what everyone else is doing, how much money they have, what they just bought, how much it cost, what party you are trying to snag an invitation to or how you can make an impression upon them.

 Never do show empathy for anyone or anything. You just don’t know how. 

Its disgusting, all of it.

I have been told mother, that you are no longer attractive. Your own sister says you look like a ZOMBIE! People say that you and Beau are pathetic and embarrassing. 

You should be shamed into eternity.

You will be shamed into eternity.

GOD as my witness, I will forever make sure that everyone, everywhere, knows the truth.

 

The following definition of ZOMBIE is from the Oxford English Dictionary: 

zombie • noun 1 a corpse supposedly revived by witchcraft, especially in certain African and Caribbean religions. 2 informal a lifeless, apathetic, or completely unresponsive person.

Sha-zam !

faith;

 

being an abstraction,

like terror, 

faith can be colored however the contemplator chooses.

faith can be blind; misplaced, or faked…

faith can be abused or exploited 

faith is often sought, too easily given, 

but never completely defined.

 

SUFFER HARD EVIL WOMAN

Mother,I hope you are well. Seeing how you are becoming increasingly incommunicado with me, to the point of completely cutting off communication, I have no real way of knowing.You have practiced the art of deception for so many years now, and in doing so have become such an expert at it, that the reality of your situation is usually completely different from the one you present. Since my only living sibling is my brother Stuart, and he lives with you, he has in fact adopted many of your practices and behaviors. The two of you have developed a codependency, which is of epic proportions. If you think that I alone find the situation unique, you are truly out of touch. Your own sisters find it quite strange. The people whom you call friends cannot even bare to see you regularly because they are so put off by your view of things. I am sorry that you justify and rationalize it all as you do. You have crossed the line from merely appearing eccentric, to being full on looney.Do you remember when you had your last birthday dinner at Le Dome a couple of years ago? Sieve and Gloria were there. Did you know that after you put down your cell phone, you forgot to hang it up and I recorded everything you and Stuart said for five minutes. Nothing but horrific lies and fabricated bull shit came out of your mouths. You made up so many rediculous reasons why I wasn’t there.I still cannot believe that you are such a LIAR. YOU LIED TO ME MY WHOLE LIFE. YOU LIE TO EVERYONE. Your sisters both said you always lived in a dream world. That was very generous of them. YOU ARE A PHONY. A FAKE. A BULLSHITTER. What in GODS name made you into a psychopath and a sociopath? Do you even know what those words mean? Was it growing up during the War? Was it the three abortions you had before you had me?I am under the impression now that you lied to survive. You are not getting away with it. You are certainly not leaving behind any legacy. A bunch of fake Kelly bags, a used Rolls Royce, two faggot sons and some ready to wear tired designer clothing, thats your legacy mom. Yes I am bitter. You have made me that way. To find out, this late in life, that everything my mother ever did or said to me was heartless, is some grand finale, especially after I took so much abuse, so you wouldn’t have to. It seems as though you have completely lost your grasp of fundamental morality. Is that why you no longer choose to communicate with me? Because you know that I will not stand for your delusions. Because you know that I will not accept the obsurdities you cherish, or is it because I challenge the ridiculous crap you constantly talk about in public? Do you realize how embarrassing you and Stuart have become? You two are the laughing stock wherever you go. It hurts me badly. Back in the days when I would take you out with me, everyone thought you were so lovely. Now people try to avoid you if they see you all coming.Its almost twenty years ago that I went to the Betty Ford Center for rehab. You have obviously forgotten the essence of what went down during the family week you spent there. As I very well recall, rather than getting a grasp of your feelings, you preferred to examine the superficial and material. I will never forget the expression on your face when my counselor Jerry Bohannon told you to stop lying and trying to minimalize things. It was impossible for you to be honest. That was the only time I have ever seen anyone confront you successfully about your bullshit. You have gotten away with putting on airs for most of your life and it’s a shame. The only person you manage to fool at this point is yourself. I am so very sorry that you have become this horrible creature.Since I am letting it all out I must also tell you, that if I had been born in 1980 rather than 1960, and you were doing the same things with me in the 90’s that you did with me in the 70’s, YOU WOULD BE LOCKED UP. Suffice it to say, mothers should not push drugs on their young children. You fed me Quaaludes so I would not feel the pain as badly when dad beat on me. No Asprin for us, you preferred to give me Fioranal or Percodan. When I was 10 years old and I used to get those migraine headaches, you were pushing Miltowns down my throat. What kind of mother watches her child be emotionally destroyed and beaten to a pulp every night by their father? MY MOTHER DOES. What kind of mother gets her 14 year old son loaded on marijuana before his dad gets home to molest and beat him? You are that kind of mother.I can see your denying it as I write it. Have you no shame? Have you no sense of remorse? I don’t need to remind you of the many bad and immoral things you have initiated in your life, but you have forced me to highlight a few of the more significant ones which have effected my well being.You have always made an effort to build resentments between Stuart and me. It started over 35 years ago, and it makes no sense other than to serve your fascination with corruption and immoral acts. Why you have been so selfish and unconscionable is a mystery. You have robbed Stuart of his youth and a normal life by proffering your constant lessons of, “Pulling the wool over everyone’s eyes”. Upon investigation, it becomes increasingly tragic. Unfortunately, at this point you fail to see the forest from the trees.You have chosen a very sad route.I have only just become aware of the gravity of the situation. I should have realized it long ago, but since you had me hoodwinked all this time, it must have started before I was born.When you showed no concern as I lay in hospital for 10 days back in 1998, suffering from a spider bite, which was so severe that I risked loosing a leg, you never came to visit. I should have realized then that you had failed as a mother, you had me duped my entire life, but I always held out on the belief that things were beyond your control. But, you had no regard for me all along and were in fact incapable of being a loving parent or raising a child. I don’t need to elaborate on all the behavioral characteristics that you molded my character with, even though you are well aware of them, you seem to only deny the facts, and prefer instead to remain oblivious, rather than showing any sort of compassion and/or understanding. Can your thoroughly contrived demeanor be a happy one? I thought you had a heart, but I was terribly wrong. Always superficial, only concerned with appearances, you have eliminated love from your life. I have tried to understand the complexities of it all, considering your upbringing, but it is beyond difficult. Coming to terms with the fact, that you never really cared about anything but yourself is even strange, because if that was the case, you would have taken better care of your body all of these years, instead of ravaging it as you have with pills, booze and self neglect.I suppose you summed it up very well every time I told you that I desperately needed to see a psychiatrist, your response was always, “Oh Douglas, such a waste of money, wouldn’t you rather buy something nice with the money”.your son,Douglas

BETRAYAL TRAUMA DEFINED: MY FATHER RUBBED DEAD BLOODY DOVES ALL OVER MY NAKED EIGHT YEAR OLD BODY WHILE MY MOTHER WATCHED

My mother just stood there and watched him do it.

I was eight years old, and it was shortly before my little brother Stuart Beauregard was born.

My mother Angela was about three months pregnant.

Bunky (my father) a plastic surgeon, took me out in his blue Eldorado to the gun store and bought me a young mans 12 gauge shotgun.

Then we went to the firing range and shot skeet.

He was gearing me up to go out in the desert so we could hunt doves and quail.

I made it clear to him that I had no desire to hurt or kill any animals and he forced on, insisting it would make a man out of me.

“How is an eight year old going to be made into a man”, I asked, “by killing birds with a shotgun?”
”Just shut the fuck up and shoot the little bastards”, he said while smiling with that evil look in his eyes.

I saw the the most adorable little quail family bobbing across the desert floor about twenty feet away, the mother quail in the front, followed by six or seven teeny quail babies, with the father quail taking up the rear, herding and making sure the babies stayed in line.

“Look Dad”, I said, “at that amazing little quail family”.

BOOM KPAO, screamed his rifle, as he deliberately fired off a round that killed the mother quail and three or four of her babies,”Now go pick them up boy and put them in my sack, they’ll make for good eating later!”

I refused,He screamed,he pulled my pants down and whipped my ass with his belt, then through me down on the ground and rolled me around in the gravel,

then he said, “do what I say you yellow bastard, or I will leave you out here to rot and die!”

Gagging with dry heaves, I made my way over to the mother quail and picked her up, still convulsing with dry heaves, and put her carcass into his green sack. For the rest of the day I purposely aimed my rifle inches away from the prey and he always made his mark. We were shooting doves, and I always aimed at the blue sky.

Every bird he killed, I was forced to pick up and put in the sack, I was the courier of the dead birds.

At the end of the day, we went home to our high rise apartment #707 at the Executive Towers in Phoenix. I couldn’t wait to get my clothes off and take a shower because I felt so dirty, disgusting and violated.

When I came out of the bathroom, with my towel wrapped around my eight year old body, trying to cross over the hall a mere six feet, to get to my bedroom, he was waiting for me,

“Come here boy, and help me clean these doves so we can freeze them for eating later”.

I started crying, screaming, “Mommy, no, help, please don’t make me do this, I am exhausted, please let me go to bed”.

”You haven’t had your dinner yet boy”, then he tackled me in the hall, and I remember the feeling of the bumpy green wallpaper stinging my skin as he pushed me down on the white shag carpet, ripping the towel off of me he proceeded to rub a dead bloody dove all over my little body, covering me in dove blood,guts and feathers.

My mother stood by somewhat sedated, and said in her english accent, “Bahn-kee, leave him alone”, there was no conviction in her voice, she could well have been egging him on.

He carried on rubbing me down with dead doves, until I was well covered and completely hysterical, sobbing, crying, with snot pouring out of my nose, gasping for breath having, what he called a psychotic break.

All the while, my mother stood around watching him go at me. Every once in a while she would comment, but for the most part, she just stood by and took it all in.

About a month later he gave me my first Rolex. It was a GMT Master, a pilots watch, in those days new in Switzerland, it cost about $70 US dollars.
An eight year old with a Rolex.
That was supposed to make up for it all.

My father Bunky Barton, rubbed my body with dead bloody doves while my mother/his wife Angela looked on.
She got me loaded so he could abuse me.
adult-survivor-of-child-abuse

Betrayal Trauma:Traumatic Amnesia as an Adaptive Response to Childhood Abuse
Jennifer J. Freyd University of Oregon
Betrayal trauma theory suggests that psychogenic amnesia is an adaptive response to childhood abuse. When a parent or other powerful figure violates a fundamental ethic of human relationships, victims may need to remain unaware of the trauma not to reduce suffering but rather to promote survival. Amnesia enables the child to maintain an attachment with a figure vital to survival, development, and thriving. Analysis of evolutionary pressures, mental modules, social cognitions, and developmental needs suggests that the degree to which the most fundamental human ethics are violated can influence the nature, form, and processes of trauma and responses to trauma.
Key words: amnesia, child abuse, memory repression, sexual abuse, trauma theory
Frank Fitzpatrick, a 38-year-old insurance adjuster in Cranston, R.I., began remembering having been sexually molested by a parish priest at age 12.
Mr. Fitzpatrick’s retrieval of the repressed memories began, he said, when “I was feeling a great mental pain, even though my marriage and everything else in my life was going well.” Puzzled, Mr. lay down on his bed, “trying to let myself feel what was going on.”
Mr. . . . slowly realized that the mental pain was due to a “betrayal of some kind,” and remembered the sound of heavy breathing. “Then I realizedI had been sexually abused by someone I loved,” said Mr. . But it was not until two weeks later that he suddenly remembered the priest, the Rev. James R. Porter. . . .
Mr. Fitzpatrick’s case the accusations have apparently been corroborated
Requests for reprints should be sent to Jennifer J. Freyd, Department of Psychology,1227 University of Oregon, Eugene, OR 97403-1227
 

ALTERING LEGAL DOCUMENTS

FOR THE RECORD: This happened about seven years ago, before mother put me on her, “Things to forget about”,  list. (thats right I said things, Mother always spoke of me as if I was an object, not a being.) My mother is gleefully corrupt. She is not in the slightest bit averse to enlisting the aid of my little brother in her corruption. The way she put it, “It was his idea”, and,  ”you have him to thank for this”, as she handed me a forged, fake certificate of insurance for my automobile.I had received a moving violation for not wearing a seatbelt,  and for failure to show proof of insurance. The ticket had gone to my mothers address on Sunset Plaza Drive. She has no respect for anyones privacy, (or the LAW for that matter),  so she opened my mail as she always has. She called me up and said that she had something for me, and we set a date to meet.I was waiting outside of my condo on Kings Road as she drove up in her Corniche Convertible flashing her lights. She handed me an envelope with my ticket in it and a forged certificate of insurance and she said, “You have your brother to thank for this!” Then she explained to me how easily he forged the document with his scanner and Mac computer. She was so proud of him.

She had no moral conscience. A true sociopath.                                                                          

I KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN RIGHT AND WRONG.

BETRAYAL TRAUMA, INCEST AND MY GAY BROTHER BEAU

So Stuart,It saddens me to communicate with you in this manner. The simplest analogy I can make to you is the following:    Imagine you have been lied to for your entire life, that is to say, all of your fundamental understanding, comprehension and awareness of the world in which you live, has been based and founded upon deceit, lies and fabrications.

• Then one fine day some one comes up to you out of the blue and tells you the absolute truth. You think that this person is lying to you. You refuse to accept the truth, because all you have ever known are lies. You have been led to believe the lies you were always told were the truth. You don’t know any better and couldn’t possibly know the truth because YOU ARE A VICTIM OF MIND CONTROL. 
• You have been conditioned and trained for your entire life to be a servant to a very deranged, sinister, evil woman. 
  • OUR MOTHER ALWAYS WEARS BLACK. “Rediculous”, she would say. 
    • DO YOU THINK SHE IS GOING TO LET HER GUARD DOWN FOR A SECOND AND AGREE WITH ME? 

OUR MOTHER IS A MASTER MANIPULATOR

• •  Anytime you are made to believe that you are less than you are, you feel it. You poor man. 

 YOU HAVE UNBEKNOWNST TO YOU, HAD YOUR FREEDOM STOLEN. Our mother has done such a good job of controlling your mind and manipulating you that you DON’T EVEN RECOGNIZE IT.

• SHE HAS ROBBED YOU OF YOUR OWN LIFE, YOUR RIGHT TO LIVE AS A FREE MAN.  SADLY ENOUGH, IT IS QUITE POSSIBLE THAT YOU WILL NEVER REALIZE IT.  
  • Contrary to your delusional belief systemIf you think by laying low and staying off the radar that you are superior/behaving correctly/doing the right thing/discreet; then you are a bigger retard than the Stanford Bonnet Achievement Tests given to you by The Phoenix Country Day School in the 6th grade, said you are.Did you ever stop and question the reasons why our mother keeps you by her side?

1. Is my younger brother mentally challenged, autistic or retarded?
2. Is our mother consumed with guilt because of the alcohol and drugs she ingested during her pregnancies ?  
3. Could it be, she is afraid of dying alone in a home, as did her mother?
4. Are the two of you engaged in a serious relationship?
5. Is the fact that incest is illegal globally keeping the two of you trapped in your secrets?

• She told me when you were very young, that you were mentally challenged. Her guilt makes reason that it was her fault for the drugs and alcohol she ingested while she was pregnant with you
• .NEWS FLASH-Mother is a drunk and a drug addict!
• Foolish freaky family, no?
• Some legacy you all are creating..
• 
  
•  Freyd, J. (1994). Betrayal trauma: Traumatic amnesia as an adaptive response to childhood abuse. Ethics & Behavior, 4, 307-329.

Abstract: “Betrayal trauma theory suggests that psychogenic amnesia is an adaptive response to childhood abuse. When a parent or other powerful figure violates a fundamental ethic of human relationships, victims may need to remain unaware of the trauma not to reduce suffering but rather to promote survival. Amnesia enables the child to maintain an attachment with a figure vital to survival, development, and thriving. Analysis of evolutionary pressures, mental modules, social cognitions, and developmental needs suggests that the degree to which the most fundamental human ethics are violated can influence the nature, form, and process of trauma and responses to the trauma.”  

Excerpt: “Child abuse is especially likely to produce a social conflict or betrayal for the victim. . . Further, there is evidence that the most devastating psychological effects of child abuse occur when the victims are abused by a trusted person who was known to them. . . If a child processed the betrayal in the normal way, he or she would be motivated to stop interacting with the betrayer. Instead, he or she essentially needs to ignore the betrayal. If the betrayer is a primary caregiver, it is especially essential that the child does not stop behaving in such a way that will inspire attachment. For the child to withdraw from a caregiver on which he or she is dependent would further threaten the child’s life, both physically and mentally. Thus the trauma of child abuse by its very nature requires that information about the abuse be blocked from mental mechanisms that control attachment and attachment behavior. The information that gets blocked may be partial (for instance, blocking emotional responses only), but in many cases partial blocking will lead to a more profound amnesia” (p.312).  <a href=”http://blogs.icerocket.com/tag/2668307″ rel=”tag”>2668307</a>  

Check out my Slide Show!

Bunky said, “Go on Boy, get that Pussy!” and he was not talking Cats.

I wasn’t even three years old yet, and I remember it all so well. We had a neighbor named Melissa. She must have been about three years older than me. We lived in Houston Texas at the time. She would be on her tricycle and I would be getting some fresh air with my father (this would usually happen before he would fondle/molest me), she would ride up to us on her cycle and my father would start to say very provocative and sexual things, and she would get flustered and ride away as fast as she could, lifting her little skirt and flashing her underwear, and my father would be repeating the same phrase over and over and over, “Go on Boy, get that pussy!” He called her Bad Lissa. I never forgot her, I wonder where she is now?

BETA GAMMA DELTA THETA OMEGA:

Several levels of programming can be accessed by letters of the Greek alphabet. Some of these letter designations follow:—The first level, ALPHA, is generalized mind control, the base level of programming of the subject, and characterized by augmented memory and the splitting of the mind into left and right brain divisions.—BETA is the programming of sexuality and the destruction of moral inhibitions.—GAMMA is the level providing mind control system protection involving deception and misdirection.—DELTA is the assassin programming level and includes killers training to perform ritual sacrifice.—THETA is  the “psychic killer” level. .—OMEGA is the level of programming dictating self destruction and is intended to cause the subject to commit suicide when they are interrogated or begin therapy.The handlers want to make sure the victims don’t consciously remember their programming. Thus, amnesia and self-destruction are suggested: “If you ever remember anything…you will go crazy. You will become a vegetable and be locked up forever…. And it will be easier to just kill yourself than have that happen to you, if you ever remember it.”

THEIR ARE NO MORE EXCUSES FOR YOUR ABUSES

It is absolutely vile. My mother can no longer speak to me because she is completely consumed with guilt and fear. Now that my memories are all coming back, she is actually running scared, afraid that she can still be incarcerated (which she can) for her heinous acts against my well being; she added to my personal destruction daily during my childhood. Well the truth is about to all come out. I will not disclose the most inhumane of torture that I was put through by my parents, as I don’t want to give anyone else the opportunity to subject more children to things no one should ever live to experience. You all can be the judge, should we make her life hell from now on? ??????????

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOTHER, YOU EVIL BITCH!

October 28th, 2007 by onemotherfucker

 

 

DEAR MOTHER,

IT IS A FACT THAT THE TRAUMATIC ABUSE OF CHILDREN BY THEIR PARENTS OCCURS WITH SOME FREQUENCY AND HAS ENORMOUSLY DAMAGING EFFECTS ON THE ABUSED CHILD.

IT IS ALSO A FACT THAT THESE MEMORIES CAN BE FORGOTTEN AS A RESULT OF PSYCHOLOGICAL PROCESSES WHOSE NATURE IS NOT FULLY UNDERSTOOD. IT IS A FURTHER FACT THAT THESE MEMORIES MAY EMERGE LATER, SOMETIMES DECADES LATER, WITH POWER AND CLARITY.

FIRST DEGREE-DEADLY (LETHAL) SECRETS NEED TO BE CONFRONTED AND DISCLOSED.

PERHAPS YOU REMEMBER THE TIME I CAME OVER TO SEE YOU ONE AFTERNOON WITH ANTHONY DEAN (KELLY RUTHERFORD’S BROTHER & THE SON OF ANNE MACE/SAVATIERI ETC.), WHEN YOU WERE STILL LIVING IN DANIEL MANI’S CONDOMINIUM AT 838 NORTH DOHENY DRIVE. IT WAS TEN YEARS AGO. TO BE EXACT, THE TWELFTH OF MAY OF 1998, JUST EIGHT MONTHS AFTER MY CONDO AT THE SHOREHAM TOWERS WAS DESTROYED BY ARSON. YOU WERE TAKING CARE OF POOH BEAST AND PETIE PUSS, MY TWO DARLING CATS, BECAUSE I HAD YET TO FIND A PLACE TO KEEP THEM. JUST IN CASE YOU HAVE A PROBLEM REMEMBERING, I WILL GIVE YOU THE DETAILS:

ON THAT PARTICULAR DAY, I FINISHED MY WORK AROUND THREE IN THE AFTERNOON AND STOPPED AT A FAST FOOD PLACE THAT WAS ON SANTA MONICA BOULEVARD JUST EAST OF FAIRFAX, CALLED THE BOSTON MARKET. AS I WAS WALKING TOWARDS THE ENTRANCE, THE DOOR SWUNG OPEN AND A HANDSOME YOUNG MAN EXITED. I GRABBED THE DOOR HANDLE AND STARTED TO MAKE MY WAY INSIDE WHEN SUDDENLY THIS STRANGER SAYS TO ME, “STUART, YOU LOOK DIFFERENT!”

SO I TURNED AROUND AND WENT BACK OUTSIDE AND INTRODUCED MYSELF TO THE GUY. I SAID, “MY NAME IS DOUGLAS BARTON, YOU MUST HAVE ME CONFUSED WITH MY YOUNGER BROTHER, STUART BEAUREGARD.”

“YES”, HE SAID, “BUT YOU DON’T LOOK ANYTHING LIKE STUART SAID YOU DID, YOU ARE FAR MORE HANDSOME THAN HE AND QUITE HUNKY!”

THIS STRANGER WENT ON TO TELL ME HOW MY OWN BROTHER STUART, HAD TOLD HIM REPEATEDLY THAT I WAS DYING AND A JUNKIE.”

WE CONTINUED TALKING FOR A FEW MINUTES, AND I CAME TO FIND OUT THAT THIS GUY WAS A FAMOUS GAY PORN STAR NAMED JEFF PALMER. TO MOST OF THE GAY MEN IN WEST HOLLYWOOD, JEFF PALMER IS A LIVING LEGEND. AT THAT POINT IN TIME, HE WAS ALWAYS A “TOTAL TOP” AS HE APPEARED IN A LARGE NUMBER OF VERY NASTY MOVIES WHERE HE NEVER WORE CONDOMS, AND ALWAYS CAME (EJACULATED) INSIDE OF A LOT OF MEN AND BOYS ASSES.

 I NEVER WATCH PORNO VIDEOS NOR HAVE I EVER EVEN FOUND THEM IN THE LEAST BIT AMUSING. THEREFORE, IT WAS NO WONDER THAT I DID NOT RECOGNIZE HIM. I RARELY IF EVER WATCH PORNO, ITS JUST NOT MY THING, I FIND PORNO MOVIES SILLY AND NOT IN THE LEAST BIT EROTIC. SO AS IT WENT, JEFF TOLD ME HE WAS A PORN STAR, AND THAT HE AND STUART WERE FRIENDS. JEFF SAID THAT THEY HAD TRIED TO BE BOYFRIENDS, BUT THAT IT FAILED TO WORK, BECAUSE STUART WAS FAR TOO POSSESSIVE AND IMMATURE. JEFF SAID, “STUART LOVES TO GET FUCKED IN THE ASS,” THAT, “HE COULDN’T GET ENOUGH OF IT,” AND, “STUART LOVES TO HAVE MEN EJACULATE INSIDE OF HIM.” HE WENT ON TO SAY HOW MUCH STUART HATED ME AND WHY, RECALLING COUNTLESS DETAILS. BLATANT LIES FROM ALL ACCOUNTS, ACCORDING TO JEFF PALMER (and many more people since that day have confirmed this). MY BROTHER STUART BEAUREGARD BARTON HAS SPENT A LOT OF TIME ON NUMEROUS CONTINENTS, RECOUNTING STORIES ABOUT ME THAT WERE SO DEBAUCHED AND DISGUSTING, THAT THEY EMBARRASSED JEFF AS HE REPEAT THEM. JEFF SAID HE COULD NEVER UNDERSTAND WHY STUART WOULD SMILE AND GET VERY HAPPY AS HE SPOKE OF THESE TERRIBLE THINGS WHICH WERE COMPLETELY ASSASSINATING MY CHARACTER. TO SUM IT ALL UP, JEFF THEN SAID, IT WAS OBVIOUS FROM SEEING ME IN THE FLESH THAT STUART REALLY HATES ME, IS OBSESSED WITH ME AND NEEDED TO BE PUT IN HIS PLACE. JEFF SAID, HE CANNOT BE ALLOWED TO RUN AROUND AS HE DOES, TELLING ALL THESE DISGRACEFUL LIES ABOUT ME. HE SAID THAT STUART WAS ALWAYS STRANGE AND PRONE TO SPEAKING IN GRANDIOSE TERMS WHILE ALWAYS TRYING TO IMPRESS PEOPLE WITH HOW MUCH MONEY HE HAD. JEFF SAID QUITE POINTEDLY THAT STUART ALWAYS PAID FOR EVERYTHING, WHEN THEY WENT OUT TOGETHER, ALWAYS INSISTING HE WAS SO RICH THAT IT WAS NOTHING FOR HIM.

 AFTER LISTENING TO JEFF FOR ABOUT FIVE MINUTES, I WAS COMPLETELY SHOCKED BEYOND BELIEF. NO ONE LIKES TO HEAR THAT SOME ONE IS SPEAKING POORLY ABOUT HIM OR HER. WHEN I CAME TO FIND OUT THAT MY ONLY SIBLING WAS SAYING THESE HORRIBLE THINGS ABOUT ME, IT REALLY HURT. I WAS IN SUCH A STATE OF DISBELIEF THAT I ASKED JEFF IF HE WOULD PLEASE COME WITH ME TO ANTHONY’S APARTMENT (WHERE I WAS STAYING), TO TELL ANTHONY WHAT STUART HAD SAID ABOUT ME. MOST OF THE THINGS THAT JEFF SAID STUART HAD TOLD HIM ABOUT ME WERE SO VILE, DERANGED AND DEBAUCHED THAT I NEEDED A WITNESS. I COULD NOT BELIEVE MY EARS.

 I WAS VERY UNCOMFORTABLE AND JEFF WAS PROUD OF WHAT HE WAS DOING. IT WAS AS THOUGH HE WAS DOING A SOCIAL SERVICE OR SOMETHING. HE WAS NOT BEING THE LEAST BIT CATTY. HE IS FROM SOUTH AMERICA, AND FROM WHAT I COULD GATHER, WHAT HE DID WAS FOR INTEGRITY’S SAKE, IT WAS THE MORAL THING TO DO.

 ANTHONY, WHO COULD NOT BELIEVE WHAT HE WAS HEARING, REPEATEDLY QUESTIONED JEFF, ASKING HIM TO ELABORATE ON CERTAIN THINGS AND TO FILL IN CERTAIN DETAILS. AFTER AWHILE, JEFF LEFT AND I BEGGED AND PLEADED WITH ANTHONY TO ACCOMPANY ME TO YOUR HOME. I NEEDED TO HAVE

ANTHONY GOES WITH ME OVER TO YOUR PLACE MOTHER, SO HE COULD BEAR WITNESS TO WHAT WAS GOING DOWN. I NATURALLY WAS SHOCKED AND THOUGHT THAT YOU, BEING OUR MOTHER, WOULD PUT A STOP TO STUART’S SAYING ALL THESE NASTY THINGS ABOUT ME.

 SO WE DROVE OVER TO YOUR PLACE AND WENT UPSTAIRS TO THE UNIT WHERE YOU LIVED WITH STUART. THEN YOU GREETED US BOTH, (I will never forget that day. You acted so ridiculously happy to see Anthony. You were so phony and over the top exaggeratedly giddy with him and yet very cold and shallow with me. The very first thing Anthony said when we left and were no longer in ear shot was what a phony, cold, evil and cruel bitch you are).

 YOU OFFERED US DRINKS AS I HELD MY KITTIES. WE ALL SAT DOWN ON MY SOFA, (REMEMBER MOTHER, THE NIGHT OF THE FIRE WHERE I LOST EVERYTHING, YOU WATCHED OVER MY CATS AS WELL AS THE DONGHIA SOFA AND MY $40,000.00 MIMI LONDON BED). I STARTED TO EXPLAIN WHY WE CAME OVER TO VISIT. YOU TRIED TO CUT ME OFF IMMEDIATELY. YOU DID NOT MISS A BEAT. APPARENTLY NOT WANTING TO HEAR IT, YOU BECAME OVERBEARINGLY AGGRESSIVE.

 YOU STOOD UP AND RAISED YOUR VOICE TO THE POINT OF SCREAMING, IN DEFENSE OF YOUR OTHER SON, MY BROTHER STUART BEAUREGARD, INSISTING THAT STUART WOULD NEVER SAY ANY THING BAD ABOUT ME. YOU WERE MEAN, CRUEL, AND NASTY. YOU SHOWED NO CONCERN FOR MY FEELINGS OR ME. THERE WAS SOMETHING TERRIBLY WRONG. I WAS NOW EVEN MORE BLOWN AWAY THEN I HAD BEEN EARLIER. I EXPECTED A DIFFERENT REACTION FROM MY MOTHER. IT WAS AS IF YOU STUCK A DAGGER THROUGH MY HEART THAT DAY. I HAD ALWAYS THOUGHT THAT YOU MEANT WELL UNTIL THAT MOMENT. IT HAS TAKEN ME ANOTHER TEN YEARS TO START REGAINING MY PREVIOUSLY REPRESSED MEMORIES, AND TO SEE WHAT AN UNFIT MOTHER YOU ARE.

I CANNOT POSSIBLY COME TO TERMS WITH THE GRAVITY OF THE THINGS YOU SUBJECTED ME TO IN MY YOUTH.

 ARE YOU AFRAID THEY WILL LOCK YOU UP? IS THAT THE REASON YOU IGNORE ME, BECAUSE I REMIND YOU OF ALL THE ILLEGAL, IMMORAL AND UNCONSCIONABLE THINGS YOU SUBJECTED ME TO?

 SUFFICE IT TO SAY, THE SEVERE PHYSICAL AND MENTAL ABUSE YOU ALLOWED YOUR HUSBAND/MY FATHER TO PUT ME THROUGH DAILY DURING CHILDHOOD. DO YOU NOW REALIZE ITS BOTH OF YOUR FAULTS? YOU NOT ONLY ALLOWED MY FATHER TO BEAT ME, TORTURE ME AND MOLEST ME ON A DAILY BASIS, YOU ENCOURAGED HIM BY NEVER DISAGREEING WITH HIM, COVERING FOR HIM WHENEVER IT WAS NECESSARY, AND FEEDING ME DRUGS TO GET ME LOADED.

GROUNDS FOR A FEDERAL TRIAL, OR AN INTERNATIONAL DEBATE, YOU CHOOSE?

IT WAS YOUR DUTY AS A MOTHER TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR SON, NOT DESTROY HIM. THE LEVEL OF EVIL THAT YOU PERPETUATE DEFIES ANY MORALITY. WHAT YOU PUT ME THROUGH, IS AGAINST THE LAW. IT WAS ALWAYS AGAINST THE LAW. IS THAT WHAT YOU ARE AFRAID OF? IS THAT WHY YOU SHUN ME? YOU HIDE ME AS THOUGH I WAS A SECRET DISGRACE IN YOUR HEART. IT’S SAID, YOU HOPE I WILL STAY FAR ENOUGH AWAY, LIKE A POOR POISONED THING YOU WISH WOULD JUST CREEP IN SOME HOLE AND DIE.

YOUR RECKLESS ABANDONMENT IS ANOTHER OBVIOUS ATTEMPT ON YOUR PART, TO INFLICT MORE APPALLING PUNISHMENT ON ME. IS THIS DENIAL SHALLOW OR APATHETIC?

THEN A COUPLE OF MONTHS LATER I WAS BITTEN BY A BROWN RECLUSE SPIDER ONE AFTERNOON. WE SPOKE ON THE PHONE AND I TOLD YOU I WAS NOT FEELING WELL A FEW DAYS IN A ROW. I EXPRESSED TO YOU HOW MY RIGHT LEG AND FOOT WERE VERY SORE AND GETTING MORE SWOLLEN BY THE DAY. YOU TOLD ME TO SOAK IN SALT WATER AND TAKE ASPIRIN. I TOLD YOU I WAS DIZZY AND FRIGHTENED.

THE NEXT DAY A COMPLETE STRANGER SAW HOW MY FOOT HAD BECOME SO SWOLLEN I COULD NO LONGER KEEP IT COVERED.  SHE INSISTED I GO TO HOSPITAL, AND REALIZING I COULD NO LONGER DRIVE, DROVE ME DOWNTOWN TO THE COUNTY HOSPITAL. WHILE GOING UP TO THE TRIAGE WINDOW OF THE EMERGENCY ROOM, I PASSED OUT. I FELL INTO A COMA AND WHEN I CAME OUT OF THE COMA THE NEXT DAY, FOUR DIFFERENT DOCTORS EXPRESSED THAT I HAD BEEN FIFTEEN MINUTES AWAY FROM DEATH. THEY WERE VERY CONCERNED AND KEPT ME IN INTENSIVE CARE FOR THE FIRST FEW DAYS. AS MY CONDITION IMPROVED AND CHANGED FROM CRITICAL TO SEVERE, THE DOCTORS MOVED ME INTO THE WARD FOR PEOPLE WITH A SEVERE PHYSICAL AILMENT AND MENTAL CONDITION. I WAS INCONSOLABLE, DESPONDENT AND SOBBING NONSTOP BECAUSE YOU HAD NO PLANS TO COME AND SEE ME. YOU LET ME KNOW AT THAT POINT THAT YOU REALLY DID NOT CARE, AND WERE NOT INTERESTED IN MY WELL BEING OR MY CONDITION. MY CELL PHONE WAS WITH ME AND I USED IT TO CALL YOU WHEN I HAD THE ENERGY. I LEFT YOU MANY MESSAGES. I WAS IN THE HOSPITAL FOR TWELVE DAYS. YOU NEVER CAME TO VISIT ME. YOU NEVER MADE ANY INQUIRIES. WHEN YOU FINALLY MANAGED TO RETURN MY CALLS AFTER A WEEK OR SO, ALL YOU COULD TALK ABOUT WAS YOUR FABULOUS LIFE, AND THE INCREDIBLE PARTIES YOU HAD BEEN ATTENDING EVERY NIGHT AT EVERY BIG STARS HOUSE IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD.  THE PREVIOUS EVENING HAD BEEN AT SIDNEY SHELDON’S WHERE DOUG MCCLURE HAD BEEN HITTING ON YOU. THE NIGHT BEFORE THAT YOU SAID WAS AT RICARDO MONTALBAN’S HOME WHERE HE AND HIS LOVELY WIFE GEORGEANE (LORETTA YOUNG’S SISTER) HAD THE GREATEST VIEW IN LOS ANGELES, AT MERV GRIFFINS, STEPHANIE BEECHAM’S, HOW TONY CURTIS’ NEW YOUNG WIFE WAS USING YOU AS A MENTOR TO GET SOME CLASS, SIEVE ARBURG WAS TAKING YOU TO THE PLAYBOY MANSION AGAIN, LINDA CHRISTIAN WAS YOUR NEW BEST FRIEND, AND NONSTOP STORIES YOU HAD BEEN GIVEN BY RICHARD GULLEY.

YOU KEPT RAMBLING ON ABOUT THIS PERSON AND THAT PARTY AND HOW VERY POPULAR YOU NOW WERE. THEN YOU WENT ON ABOUT HOW JEALOUS YOU KNEW MY FATHER WOULD BE. YOUR WONDERFUL LIFE, AND SURELY YOU SAID, HE MUST KNOW OF ALL THIS.

YOU NEVER ASKED OF MY CONDITION.

YOU TOLD ME YOU WOULD NOT COME FOR A VISIT.

IT SEEMED TO ME AS THOUGH YOU COULD NOT CARE LESS IF I WAS TO LIVE OR DIE. IT WAS TRUE. I DID NOT WANT TO BELIEVE IT. I REFUSED TO ACKNOWLEDGE THE TRUTH.

TODAY MARKS THE TENTH ANNIVERSARY OF THE DAY MY HOME WAS DESTROYED BY ARSON. YOU REMEMBER, YOU DIDN’T OFFER ME A PLACE TO STAY FOR THE NIGHT.

 YOU SAID IT WAS A SHAME, BUT SHOWED NO CONCERN.

I AM NOW, ON THE EVE OF YOUR 75^th BIRTHDAY BECOMING UN-NUMB. ITS TAKEN ME ALL THESE YEARS TO GET MY MEMORY BACK.

YOU ARE MY MOTHER. YOU ARE AN EVIL WICKED CALLOUSED BITCH. IS NOT COINCIDENCE THAT YOUR BIRTHDAY FALLS ON HALLOWEEN? CONSIDERING YOUR EVIL SELF, IT IS FITTING.

I REMEMBER THE DAY WE WERE TAKING BONG HITS IN YOUR BEAUTIFUL BLUE BATHROOM. WHERE YOU HAD THE CHANDELIER WITH THE BLUE CRYSTALS SUSPENDED ABOVE YOUR SUNKEN, MARBLE, GRECIAN TUB. YOU SMILED AND TOLD ME HOW YOU HAD THREE ABORTIONS BEFORE I WAS BORN. THREE ABORTIONS BEFORE YOU WERE MARRIED. THEN YOU TOOK A HIT OF THE PURPLE HAIRED HAWAIIAN SINSEMILLA FROM THE TOKER2® BONG, EXHALED THE SMOKE, SMILED AT ME, LOOKED ME STRAIGHT IN THE EYE AND EXCLAIMED, “I HAD TO ABORT THEM, I WAS NOT MARRIED YET, AND NO ONE WANTED TO MARRY ME.” THEN YOU PROCEEDED TO EXPLAIN HOW, “GOOD CATHOLIC GIRLS LIKE YOURSELF WERE NOT SUPPOSED TO HAVE ABORTIONS, BUT DID IT ANYWAY.” MAKING A FINAL ATTEMPT AT JUSTIFICATION AS YOU RATIONALIZED THIS TWISTED SCENARIO, YOU FINISHED OFF YOUR SPEECH TO ME THAT DAY, IN SAYING, “WOMEN ARE FAR MORE PROMISCUOUS THEN MEN.”

THAT WAS IN 1974, JUST WEEKS BEFORE YOU SHIPPED ME OFF ON MY OWN TO STAY IN BEVERLY HILLS WITH ELTON JOHN AND MIKE HEWITSON FOR THREE WEEKS. I WAS FOURTEEN YEARS OLD.

THERE ARE NO MORE EXCUSES FOR YOUR ABUSES.

YOUR SON,

DOUGLAS BRUCE BARTON

P.S.  HAPPY BIRTHDAY! 

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VICTIM OF TORTURE : MIND CONTROL

MIND CONTROL : VICTIM OF TORTURE

 

IF YOU ARE FAMILIAR WITH MY SITUATION, PLEASE, I BEG OF YOU, DO NOT BE FOOLED BY THE ARTIFICE, AND PRETENSE PROJECTED BY MY MOTHER ANGELA BARTON AND MY BROTHER STUART BEAUREGARD BARTON. THE REALITY OF THE SITUATION IS BEYOND MERE MORTAL PERCEPTION. AT THIS POINT, SO WORN DOWN FROM THE CONSTANT BARRAGE OF DIS AND MISINFORMATION I HAVE BEEN FORCE FED, THERE REMAINS BUT LITTLE LIFE FORCE WITHIN ME. THEIRS IS A PARASITIC NATURE FOUNDED ON DECEPTION, BEWARE! ritual abuseMental health and law enforcement professionals working with severe trauma are increasingly seeing victims of torture for the purpose of installation of more covert mind control, that is, mind control that was “installed” in a deeply dissociated (without conscious awareness) state, and controls the person from these unconscious, dissociated, states of mind (Boyd, 1991; Coleman, 1994; Hersha, Hersha, Griffis, & Schwarz, 2001; Katchen & Sakheim, 1992; Keith, 1998; Marks, 1979; Neswald & Gould, 1993; Neswald, Gould, & Graham-Costain, 1991; Noblitt & Perskin, 2000; Oksana, 2001; Ross, 2000; Ryder, 1992; Rutz, 2001; Sheflin & Opton, 1978; Smith, 1993; Weinstein, 1990). The evidence of the existence of covert mind control has begun to surface in the legal arena as well (e.g., Orlikow v. U.S., 682 F.S. 77 (D.D.C. 1988).The following list describes 12 forms of mind control, beginning with thought reform that is registered consciously, with memory, through the most covert forms of mind control, in which the individual has no memory of the installation, and is controlled beyond conscious awareness.Levels of Brainwashing and Mind Control from Least to Most Complex and Binding, and often used in combination, especially in ritual abuse:1. Terrified Submission: Outward compliance, but one’s own beliefs and identity are preserved.2. Willful Compliance: A disturbed or abused child/adolescent/adult is provided with objects, drugs, affection, sex, “freedom”, etc., and chooses the abuser over his/her current life situation.3. Stockholm Syndrome: Terror (abuser harms victim or threatens victim and his/her family with violence), plus isolation from prior support, often combined with lies of family abandonment, lead to dependence on abuser(s), and perceived loyalty to the abuser.At 10:15 A.M. on Thursday, August 23rd, 1973 the “Sveriges Kreditbank” of Stockholm, Sweden was rocked by sub-machine gun fire.(1) “The party has just begun”, announced a 32 year old prison escapee named Jan-Erik Olsson. “The party”, indeed, continued for some 131 hours, or five and a half days, as Olsson held four of the bank’s employees hostage in an 11 by 47 foot vault until late in the evening of August 28th. …Later interviews with the four hostages yielded surprising results—results that have been confirmed in numerous other “hostage situations” in the years that followed. Even though the captives themselves were not able to explain it, they displayed a strange association with their captors, identifying with them while fearing those who sought to end their captivity. In some cases they later testified on behalf of or raised money for the legal defense of their captors. The Swedish location of the “Sveriges Kreditbank” gave its name to this mental aberration as “The Stockholm Syndrome”. http://www.yahoodi.com/peace/stockholm.html4. Religious Indoctrination: A psychologically weak or dependent person submits to a charismatic leader who claims to be spiritually connected to some kind of God, professing to be chosen for a spiritual agenda, promises salvation to devotees and eternal damnation promised to non-followers.5. Brainwashing through Social influence: An individual is placed only among successful “converts” to the abuser or cult, who profess the belief system of the group, while the person is isolated from family and previous support systems and activities.6. Brainwashing through Deprivation of Basic Needs: Sleep, food, water, combined with chanting, social isolation, etc.“Brainwashing”… describes …. the process of indoctrination that… occurred to some American prisoners of war during the Korean War (1950-1953). It is a term coined by journalist Edward Hunter (1951) to describe “thought reform” programs and methods developed by the Chinese Communists after taking control of China in 1949. The Communist Chinese hoped to influence their own people and some prisoners of war enough to cause them to change their beliefs and accept beliefs as true that they previously had considered false. Their methodology included starvation, deprivation of sleep and isolation of victims alone in a prison cell or a small room for long periods of time where they feared for their lives. They were told repeatedly and harshly that their political, religious or social beliefs were wrong while shown the advantages of complying with their captors’ position. http://www.thefamily.org/dossier/statements/brainwashing.htm7. Self-View as an Accomplice or Evil: Abuser forces victim into double-binds that cause the victim to feel culpable.8. Unidimensional directives are communicated during severe abuse, convincing affected personalities that the abuse will re-occur if the programmed mandate is broken. The most common are, “Remember to forget” the abuse and “Don’t tell” about the abuse. A central function of most mind control is to cause the victim to physically and psychologically re-experience the torture used to install the programming should she or he act in violation of programmed commands. The re-experience of the original torture often includes somatic manifestation of the original injuries, such as bruising and swelling, though not to the degree of the original injury.9. Spiritual “Programming”: Evil attachments, claims, curses, covenants, etc. Witchcraft ritual abuse seeks to “attach” evil entities (spirits of abusers and demons) to dissociated identities to harass and control victims for their entire lives. Claims, curses, covenants, hexes, vexes, etc. are used to forever malevolently define victims as evil, physically or mentally ill, socially devalued and isolated, sexually enslaved, a murderer, a cult member, a witch, etc.10. Psychic driving: Taped messages are played for hours non-stop while the person is in states of consciousness altered by sleep, electro-shock, sensory deprivation, inadequate food, water, sleep, oxygen, isolated, confinement or other torture.This methodology was utilized by Ewen Cameron, MD, in the 1950s (See film, “The Sleep Room” about 1950s CIA funding of his research.) In 1997, the U.S. CIA was sued by a number of Dr. Cameron’s ex-patients. The Canadian court found in favor of the patients who endured Dr. Cameron’s tortures in the name of creating a more efficient Manchurian Candidate for the CIA championed by Allen Dulles, the man behind the MKUltra projects. Electroshock, according to Dr. Cameron’s protocol would do the following (Emery, 1977):First Stage: In the First Stage of electroshock amnesia, the subject loses much of her recent memory, “yet she still knew where she was, why she was there, and who the people were who treated her.” (J. Marks, 1979, p. 135). That is called keeping your “space-time image.” The subject knows where she is, why she is there, and recognizes familiar faces. Names are harder.Second Stage: In the Second Electroshock Amnesia Stage, the subject loses that space-time image and is aware of the loss. That awareness causes extreme anxiety. The subject wants to remember. At his stage the subject asks repeatedly, ‘Where am I?’, ‘How did I get here?’, ‘What am I here for?’Third Stage: In this final stage, the subject becomes bizarrely calm. All the previous anxiety is gone. At this point the patient was moved back to their room where a speakerphone had been placed under their pillow, a tape recorder with a continuous loop played repeating the same command over and over again. While in this state, patients showed incontinence of both urine and feces.Much of these inhumane “treatments” appear to have originated 50 years earlier in Pavlov’s abusive experiments with dogs. Read more at: www.ulster.net/~babs7/articles/kk/mindcontrolpart1.htm 2-22-2003, the main web-site from which this section of the outline was derived. Also, see Ross (2000) and Rutz (2001), for more information on the United States CIA projects (MKULTRA and others) using unwitting human subjects for mind control experimentation and exploitation.11. Machiavellian manipulation of the inner psychological world of the child. Examples of process: from “The First Five Steps of Discipline” (Svali, 1999) In chapter 4 of online book, posted in full at: http://www.geocities.com/lord_visionary/svali_index.htmThird Step: To Not Wish. The child is placed in a room with favorite toys, or objects. A kind adult comes into the room and engages the child in play. This adult may be a friend, aunt, parent, or trainer. The child and adult may engage in fantasy play about the child’s secret wishes, dreams, or wants. This will occur on several occasions, and the child’s trust is slowly gained. At some later point, the child is severely punished for any aspect of wishing or fantasy shared with the adult, including the destruction of favorite toys, going in and undoing or destroying secret safe places the child may have created, or even destroying non cult protectors. This step is repeated, with variations, many many times over the ensuing years. Occasionally, the child’s siblings, parents, or friends will be used to reveal inside fantasies the child has revealed to them during the daytime, or in unguarded moments. The ostensible reason the cult gives for this step is to create a child who doesn’t fantasize, who is more outwardly directed, less inwardly directed. In other words, the child is to look to adults for permission in all aspects of its life, including internal. The reality is that this step destroys all safe places the child has created internally, to retreat from the horrors it is experiencing. This step creates in the child the feeling that there is no true safety, that the cult will find out everything it thinks. Exercises like this are also used to create young alters in the child who will self report to the cult trainers any secret safe places, or covert wishes against the cult, that other alters have. This will then begin to set up intrasystem hostility and divisiveness, which the cult will manipulate throughout the person’s life span in order to control them.12. Trauma-based Coercive Mind Control- Trauma-based mind control programming can be defined as systematic torture that blocks the victim’s capacity for conscious processing (through pain, terror, drugs, illusion, sensory deprivation, sensory over-stimulation, oxygen deprivation, cold, heat, spinning, brain stimulation, and often, near-death), and then employs suggestion and/or classical and operant conditioning (consistent with well-established behavioral modification principles) to implant thoughts, directives, and perceptions in the unconscious mind, often in newly-formed trauma-induced dissociated identities, that force the victim to do, feel, think, or perceive things for the purposes of the programmer. The objective is for the victim to follow directives with no conscious awareness, including execution of acts in clear violation of the victim’s moral principles, spiritual convictions, and volition.Installation of mind control programming relies on the victim’s capacity to dissociate, which permits the creation of new walled-off personalities to “hold” and “hide” programming. Already dissociative children are prime “candidates” for programming. Alternatively, very young children can be made dissociative through trauma-based programming. The extreme abuse inflicted on young children in intra-familial satanic and “black” witchcraft (not Wicca) cults reliably causes dissociation. Children in these cults are programmed to the extent that the cult’s leaders understand mind control programming. Many ritual abuse survivors report that other abuser groups with criminal, political, and military agendas infiltrate their familial cults to gain access to these readily-programmable children to program them to fulfill their own agendas, often paying the cult parents large sums of money to do soOne common function of trauma-based mind control programming is to cause the victim to physically and psychologically re-experience the torture used to install the programming should the victim consider violating its directives. The most common programs are unidimensional directives communicated during torture and impaired states of consciousness to; “Remember to forget” the abuse and “Don’t tell” about the abuse.Much trauma-based mind control programming is significantly more complex, more technological in its methods of installation, and utilizes the individual’s dissociated identities (personalities) to effect greater layering of psychological effects. Personalities are usually programmed to take executive control of the body in response to particular cues (hand signals, tones, etc.) and then follow directives, with complete amnesia for these events. This is exemplified by the automatic response of the programmed assassin to seeing the Queen of Diamonds in the 1962 film, “The Manchurian Candidate”. Personalities are programmed to become flooded with anxiety or feel acutely suicidal if they defy program directives. Personalities are often programmed to believe that explosives have been surgically implanted in their bodies and that these will detonate if the individual violates orders or begins to recall the programming, the torture used to install it, or the identities of the programmers.In highly sophisticated mind control, the individual is programmed to perceive inanimate structures in the unconscious inner landscape. “Structures” are mental representations of objects, e.g., buildings, grids, devices of torture, and other containers, that “hold” programmed commands, messages, information, and personalities. In many cases, walls are also installed that serve as barriers to hide deeper levels of programming and structures. Unconscious personalities perceive themselves as trapped within, or attached to, these structures, both visually (in internal imagery), and somatically (in experiences of pain, suffocation, electroshock, etc.).Structures are installed in early childhood, generally between 2 and 5 years of age. Torture and drugs are applied beyond the endurance of all of the already-formed personalities, which usually requires that the child be taken near death. The intent is to bury all memory for the event deeply in the unconscious mind, below the level of consciousness of all personalities. When all conscious processing of information is blocked, the child cannot mentally resist any of the programmer’s input, cannot reject it as “not me” or as untrue. Instead, the input is “taken in whole”, into the unconscious mind, with no conscious memory, and therefore no ability to process or reject it later.The child may be tortured on a device, and the personalities formed in this process then perceive themselves trapped on these devices. Or an image of an object may be projected on the child’s body or on a screen, or in virtual reality goggle, or a physical model of the object is shown.The programmer then tells the child that this device or object is now within him or her. Because the mind of the small child does not easily discriminate reality and fantasy (this process relies on the pre-school child’s use of magical thinking), the child now perceives the object as a structure within. Then, a code is installed, for the programmer to gain future access to the structure to erase or give new information.Immediately after the structure is installed, the programmer will generally command traumatized personalities go to places in the structures, e.g., “Go inside the grid”; The programmer will generally also install the perception of wires, bombs, and re-set buttons, to prevent removal of the structure. The child is usually shown something to make the him or her perceive these as real, e.g., a button on the belly-button.Installed program “triggers”, “cues”, and “access codes” allow the programmer easy access to programmed personalities and program structures to install or change commands, messages, and information, and to retrieve information, all out of victims’ conscious awareness.Personalities trapped in (or on) structures obey program directives until freed from the structures. Programmed functions are usually performed unconsciously, or with a some awareness of a compulsion to do, or not do, something. E.g., personalities are often programmed to awaken in the early morning hours to make a telephone call (use of toll-free numbers results in no record of calls) to obtain or provide information to abuser groups. Programmed “reporter” personalities report whether therapy is approaching the hidden programming. The host usually has no knowledge of making these calls, or may occasionally find him/herself holding a telephone in the middle of the night, not knowing why.Similar methods of programming, sometimes combined with witchcraft spiritual abuse, are used to mentally install “humanoids”, e.g., robots, shells, etc., that contain no part of the person’s true humanity, i.e., no personality fragment. These humanoids carry out specific functions within the mind, or in external actions.Programming overides the victim’s free will. Programmed individuals (usually specific personalities) follow commands and perform actions that are in clear violation of their free will, moral principles, and spiritual convictions, generally without conscious awareness.These kinds of programming continue to control the person’s thoughts and actions for decades, usually with no conscious awareness of the programming or of the personalities under its control. Survivors of ritual abuse who re-associate their history of abuse usual begin to recover their memories of abuse from between 30 and 50 years of age. It is generally many years more before the survivor becomes aware of mind control programming and its ongoing effects on her or him.Free will, determination, and deep spiritual faith, are usually not enough alone to find the unconscious personalities perceiving themselves inexorably trapped in programming, or the carefully hidden program structures. Finding these generally requires expertise in safely helping survivors access this information. By the programmers’ design, attempting to disable or remove programming usually “sets off” programmed self-destruction and negative health/mental health consequences. Finding, disabling, and removing programming must skillfully sidestep these negative consequences. Although the host personality may be determined to defy all such consequences, concealed personalities trapped in complex programs often perceive themselves as unable to defy programmed negative consequences.

 

CEASE AND DESIST

My mother needs to stop, and get real with the shit she has put me through. Neither my brother Stuart Beauregard Barton, nor my mother Angela Welch Barton will ever again be permitted, allowed or able to carry on as they have. They behave like mercenaries, spreading their ill will as if they were a terminal virus personified. The two of them burn in a personal hell, which they crafted by hand. Theirs is a disgusting, wretched, vacuous pit that serves as a warning to all, wherever they go, of how one should never be.<a href=”http://blogs.icerocket.com/tag/adult-survivor-of-child-abuse” rel=”tag”>adult-survivor-of-child-abuse</a> http://rpc.technorati.com/rpc/ping 

BIG ASS TITIES OR NINNY POPS, YOU DECIDE:BITCH LIKES CANDY

MY DAD, THE ANTI-SEMITIC, SELF LOATHING JEW BOY THAT LIED WHEN HE TOLD PEOPLE HE WAS EPISCOPALIAN ALWAYS ASKED ME, “ARE YOU CORN ‘HOLING BOY? YOU CAN TELL ME I AM A DOCTOR!”WHEN I SAY ALWAYS, WHAT I MEAN IS THAT THERE WAS NOT A WEEK THAT WENT BY BETWEEN 1966 AND 1979 WHEN HE DID NOT ASK ME ABOUT CORN ‘HOLING. “PEA-HEAD WAS CORN ‘HOLING WITH BOBBY JONES UNDERNEATH THE HOUSE, I SAW HIM, HE GOT SHIT ALL OVER HIS DICK!”, HE WOULD LAUGH SO HARD AND GIGGLE UNTIL HE STARTED TO SHAKE, THEN ALMOST AS SOON AS I WOULD SMILE AND REACT, HE WOULD SNAP,  AND  B O O M, HE BECAME ANGRY, MEAN AND HE WOULD GO OFF INTO ANOTHER DIMENSION. “WHAT YOU LAUGHING ABOUT BOY?, YOU THINK ITS FUNNY THAT HE GOT SHIT ON HIS DICK? HUH, TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT THAT, YOU YELLOW BASTARD. COME HERE , I’LL MAKE A MAN OUT OF YOU, HIT ME, HIT ME YOU BIG SISSY, AND THEN IT WOULD START.WHAT HE DID SCAIRD ME AND SCARRED ME, AND ALL THE WHILE, MY MOTHER ENCOURAGED HIM.SHORTLY AFTER I STARTED PRE-SCHOOL, MY TEACHERS NOTICED A PROBLEM WITH MY BEHAVIOR. I WAS DETACHED,ALWAYS DOING THINGS ON MY OWN AND NOT INTERACTING WITH THE OTHER CHILDREN.IN KINDERGARTEN  AND WHAT ABOUT THOSE, “BIG ASS TITIES!”  WELL BACK IN 1973 OR 1974, TOWN AND COUNTRY MAGAZINE PUT OUT AN ISSUE WHERE THEY FEATURED PHOENIX ARIZONA, WHICH IS WHERE I GREW UP AND MY FATHER “BUNKY” HAD HIS PLASTIC SURGICAL CENTER. HE WAS ENORMOUSLY SUCCESSFUL SO THEY HAD A BLURB ABOUT US. WE HAD BUILT THIS GRECIAN PALAZZO THAT WAS DESIGNED BY JAMES MCNAUGHTON. JIMMY LIVED IN PALM SPRINGS, WHERE HE HAD  SEMI-RETIRED, AFTER BEING A VERY SUCCESSFUL SET DESIGNER IN HOLLYWOOD AND MANHATTAN. LOCATED UP ON A NATURAL MOAT AT THE BASE OF A MOUNTAIN, WAS “THE HOUSE THAT BOOBS BUILT”. IT WAS AN AMAZING STRUCTURE. EVERYTHING SYMMETRICALLY POSITIONED AROUND THE POOL, WITH HUGE EXPANSES OF BLACK AND WHITE TERRAZZO SURROUNDING A FOUNTAIN AND TWO INCH COBALT BLUE WOOL SHAG CARPET THAT WAS SO LONG IT HAD TO BE RAKED!

I SAW THAT BAR-BITCH-U-ATE

WHEN YOU PULL YOUR HEAD OUT YOUR ASS,DON’T LOOK AROUND.YOUR SHITS COMING BACK TO HAUNT YOU .<a href=”http://blogs.icerocket.com/tag/adult-survivor-of-child-abuse” rel=”tag”>adult-survivor-of-child-abuse</a>